I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
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everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”