Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
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I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
i- i did not expect this
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”