Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
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My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.