‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
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me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”