[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
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Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
This week’s mood.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Roses are red, you always mattered,
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.