The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
You can’t rush stupid.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches