Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
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If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
#FunnyLife Insects
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
2022 be like
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Cool shirt 🙂
Life with a cat in one tweet
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.