thank god
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I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
scared to check what name she chose
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are