You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
nobody’s gonna understand
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything