According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
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due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Social Media and Real life
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”