Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.