before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
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“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.