Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
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Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Who knew!
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato