*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
You Might Also Like
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
The answer is funnier than the question
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat