Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator