“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
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Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?