No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)