You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
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If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.