If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Not today.. 😂
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.