*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
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we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
“That’s what” – She
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.