A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
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I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Sheep
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
you’re so productive for your wage
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I needed a laugh this morning.