internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
You Might Also Like
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim