Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
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Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”