I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
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If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter