lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
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Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
me as a parent
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.