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Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.