“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
No, I don’t think I will.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”