DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Just a phase…
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.