Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years