Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
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‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.