I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
the clam before the storm
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
These work great until they don’t.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door