Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
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In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*