I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD