Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
You Might Also Like
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I support this random dude and all his protests
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Webb. James Webb.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life