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People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Me trying to reach for my goals
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.