I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
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I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream