Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
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I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
saw this in a dream
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
wtf is an acronym
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that