ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
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“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
My ideal weight is five million dollars
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I wish this was real life…
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.