Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
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ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
not for long
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there