What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
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Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
pelicons
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.