Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
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[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.