I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
A roof is a house hat.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I identify as an antique shop.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Tell the colonel to bring it
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This is enough internet for the day.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.