Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat