I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
s
oc
i
a
l
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.