Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.