A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
You Might Also Like
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.