On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
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genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
What flavor cupcake are these
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I needed a laugh this morning.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.