My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
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I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that