Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
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The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Super Hand Dog Face
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Lucky old June.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.