Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
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I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.